|added Tue October 12 2004 at 9:44 PM
|I just got back from meeting with the bishopric. This is the second meeting now. Several things stood out from the meeting, but for now I'll just talk about one item.
The second counselor-- a young guy, probably about 24 years old, still in school-- asked why I didn't want to give up certain aspects of my life. He said that my salvation depended on it, wasn't I concerned about my salvation? My initial thought (that I didn't say) was that "salvation" seems so abstract today. It's been a long day, and I wasn't feeling especially spiritual (which is probably a bad thing, since I was meeting with the bishopric). Trying to bring his point closer to home, he "strengthened" his argument and asked wasn't it worth my life?
And then I spoke out... "I don't particularly care about my life." Besides hitting home the message that I wasn't exactly feeling chipper about life, it reminded me that "salvation" wasn't so abstract after all. Stop to think for a moment, there have been moments where my sole reason for keeping my life was to try to protect what was left of my salvation.
And it all seemed so very clear when I was thinking about it. And nothing is coming out clear now. Suffice it to say that I spent most of the rest of the time listening to the bishopric with my eyes closed and tears streaming down my face, just wanting to not be alive. Not to die, but to just not *be*.
Obviously, that's not going to happen. So tonight I go to sleep. Tomorrow I wake up, and I try to pretend that I don't hate life. And maybe by some miracle I'll be able to get enough done that for a while I actually don't hate life. And tomorrow, again, I go to sleep.