|added Sun February 22 2004 at 1:50 PM
There is sunshine in my soul today,
As we sang the closing Hymn in Elder's Quorum, I felt like such a hypocrite. There is no sunshine in my soul. An occasional laugh at a stray joke, but not really happiness. They say that happiness is found within, but I've looked within, and the further I look, the less happiness I find. I turn outward in search of some joy, but other people's cheer seems to accent my lack thereof.
More glorious and bright
Than glows in any earthly sky,
For Jesus is my light.
I stepped out after church and, as I'm often prone to do, looked up at the mountains. They rose mournfully above the low-slung mists. The world was filled with bright ambient light passing through the gray skies, but there was no sunshine. No beams of hope and light touched the earth, and my soul mirrored the bleakness of the exterior.
As she sang the musical number in sacrament meeting, her face simply radiated with inner peace and joy. Her smile was large, but real. Her eyes lit up with fire and conviction. Everything about her face showed that this was but a slight hint of the happiness that she truly felt. I imagine my face, and can assume that it is exactly the opposite. My smiles do not find their way into my eyes. My laughter is temporary, and closely preceeded and immediately followed by a solemn expression that mirrors my pain.
There is music in my soul today,
I try to let the little things lift me up. Singing. I like singing, and it usually helps me forget pain for a while. It just wasn't working today, though. The joy of singing pointed its finger and mocked my true feelings. Some suggest prayer. I find myself always crying for mercy "Father, oh Father..." This distracts my mind, but it doesn't ease my pain.
A carol to my King,
And Jesus listening can hear
The song I cannot sing.
There is Sunshine in my soul. Not today, not yesterday. Maybe tomorrow?