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The Rules (Second Choice)
added Sun July 30 2006 at 12:24 PM
I knew that I would have to work late Friday night, but didn't know exactly how late. I intentionally didn't plan anything because I didn't want to be too short on my hours. Friday afternoon when I figured out exactly what time I could leave, I sent a text message to a friend to see if she had plans. Now, my choice of using text message has nothing to do with my personal preference of communication - I hate text messaging. However, I know from personal experience and from my roommate's experience that this particular girl does not answer her phone, but does answer text messages. It so happens that she had a date already.

Today on the way home from church, she gave me a light scolding about using text messages to ask a girl out on short notice. I'm not sure which was the worse crime, but the conversation turned to the short notice. In my defense, I wasn't asking her out as a suitor, but as a friend checking if she had plans. Nonetheless, the other girl that was walking home with us decided to harp on the last minute asking. Her stance was basically that it was always inexcusable and that she would never say yes to a date at the last minute.

As you may know, there have been various circumstances where I was forced to ask girls at the last minute. I mentioned one of my favorites, where the girl agreed to go on a date, but then called me back the morning of to cancel because she decided she had to work on homework instead (nothing had changed, she just decided after accepting that she had too much to do). Unfortunately, in this instance I had to find a date because my brother was coming into town and I was organizing a double date for us. There was absolutely nothing I could have done to avoid calling girls at the last moment.

And of course, she countered with one of my favorite lines that doing this makes the girl feel like second choice. And this is what I really want to talk about today.

In an effort to keep myself from becoming obsessive and to mitigate the heartbreak when the girl inevitably rejects me completely, I almost always have a list of girls that I would love to go out with. On occasion, I get this crazy delusion that one of these girls might be interested in me. On these occasions, my list completely vanishes for the hope that I can actually be with the one girl. However, until that time, I convince myself that I would be equally honored to be in the presence of any one of the girls. If circumstances are such that I call one girl before another, it does not necessarily have anything to do with the one which I would rather associate, but perhaps the order that they are listed in my phone. Even if I do have one that I'd ultimately rather be with, I can almost always guarantee that if the second girl showed any return interest, she would immediately become my first choice.

Okay, that's all specific to me - I'm sure that not every guy feels that way, perhaps because they have not experienced as much rejection as I have. However, this stands for all guys - regardless of whether the girl is truly a second choice or not, the fact of the matter is that she is a choice. There are plenty of girls out there that I have no desire to date, and I don't call them when I'm looking for a date. If I am calling a girl to ask her out, it does not matter how many girls I've been rejected by, what matters is that I would rather be with this girl than the hundreds of other girls I know.

I will not kid myself and pretend that the girl should feel flattered by my invitation, but she should definitely not be insulted by not being the first girl that I thought about. The only time that a girl should expect to be the first one I call is if we are already dating and committed to each other - in which case, she'll be the only girl I call. Until she is willing to make that kind of commitment to me, she has no right to expect to be the first girl I call for a date.

I'll return momentarily to the issue of asking a girl at the last minute. Generally, if I find myself calling at the last minute because of whatever circumstances, I will start by asking girls I am most comfortable with. I know full well that most people will have plans and so I can only ask girls that I know will only turn me down if they honestly do have something else going on. Generally, the girls that I feel comfortable asking at the last minute are my favorite girls. There is a reason that I would call Merry at the last moment to go do stuff - I knew she would say yes if she didn't have something else going on. This did not make her desperate or undesirable - it simply meant that we were friends enough to appreciate at face value an invitation to join in an activity.

mom says:
I am not sure what has happened to young ladies, but stick with the ones that are willing to be friends and are not so stuck on themselves that they cannot enjoy some spur of the moment spontaneity in their lives. The guy calling at the last moment means he thought they would be fun to associate with, not that he figures they are low on the popularity chain.
posted Sat September 23 2006 at 1:58 PM


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