I didn't want her to go. I don't know if she'll ever talk to me again. She said that she can't handle being the bad guy, so I just did us both a favor and did it for her. I guess in the long run it's for the best - I think we'd both gotten to the point that we were self-destructing over the other person. Her friends pretty much hate me - it doesn't help that the guy she's starting to date is a brother of her friend. I tried to pretend not to care that she was leaving. I may have even succeeded at convincing her.
She doesn't feel a romantic connection. I'm so used to that. The last girl that did feel a romantic connection with me was completely unstable. That was... 4 years ago now. Here comes the "I'm going to die alone" sob story. But y'know... we're all alone until we find someone, aren't we? When I start thinking that my life is so hard because I never have anyone I remember that it's not like I'm the only twenty-something who isn't married. Or doesn't have a girlfriend. I love my brothers, but hey... they're even older than me and still alone. So who am I to complain about that?
I do hate hearing it again, though. I'm such a nice guy and I'll really make some girl happy some day. For the love of all that is holy, I'm sick of hearing that. I know you guys mean well by it, and I'm really not mad at you, but let's face it. I'm too socially retarded to meet girls, let alone to hook up with them. And I've screwed up my life too much to feel like I'm even worth dating a girl from church - it's always going to be the same thing from that front... "I think you're a really nice guy, but I need a return missionary to take me to the temple."
So where does that leave me with her? I told her that she knows my number. Pretty much the same thing I told S. And I don't know if the results will be any different. I'll pretend not to care. I'll mope around for a few days. I don't know if I'll be able to find another date for Saturday, so I guess I'll return those tickets. Will my life move on? Well, my life wasn't moving anyway, so I guess not much has really changed.
Here's what I don't get, though... I thought we had a good time tonight. I had come to terms with the fact that she wasn't interested in me, I thought we could actually be friends. I really did. But at the end of the night, she told me that she wasn't interested in me and that she couldn't deal with being the mean one and hurting my feelings. Oh, don't get me wrong - there was plenty of other conversation going on. "We didn't connect." Apparently the disaster that was last Wednesday scared her. She only ever wanted me for the physical attention I showed her. She's dating another guy and they're getting more serious. I don't connect with her, she doesn't understand me. And she was upset because she didn't want to hurt me...
So because apparently it's the only thing that she needed from me, I hurt her. I pretended that I don't care about her or any of this. And it kills me. I don't want her to go - I want to run out into the night and give her a passionate kiss and tell her to not go away, that we are meant for each other. Isn't that what happens right about now in all the love movies? But I know that coming from me, it would just be a creepy geek overstepping his bounds. So I sit here.